When does something stop being normal?

So here I am again. At that one same point.

I’ve gotten to this point where I don’t even know how to say things anymore and sometimes I wonder if I should even bother…

I think it’s pretty clear to see that I have a lot of problems and that I’m a roller coaster of emotions. But how did I get this way, did he make me like this? Have I always been like this? I don’t know. I’m sure a psychologist could tell me. Why aren’t I there yet? It’s embarrassing… expensive… I don’t know.

It’s not nice when people say that what you say isn’t normal or how you react isn’t normal. It’s even worse when the one who is saying it is your partner, one of the people who made me the way I am.

So who even decides what’s normal and what isn’t. Is there like a rule book or something I didn’t know about?

Vicious Circle

Every time you keep hoping and expecting that he’ll change, and you wait for the day to come. You wait and you wait.

Bu the day never comes.

They let you down and they put you down, and nothing ever changes. The person who you thought loved you most, is now your worst enemy. You let yourself get hurt, over and over and then you cry and hope that one day things will change, but you already know they won’t.

You stick around though, you keep coming back for more because you just hope that this time things will be different. Then you get hurt. Things get said, and he compares you to other girls your age and it’s the final straw. He thinks you’re mad because he did’t take you shopping but it’s not that at all. Over and over throughout the year you’ve been compared to other girls your age and how much better they do everything and how much mature they are but you know it’s not like that, you know you’re better. But you can’t get the words out your head, words that had been repeated so many times before and you start to believe them.

It pains you to think that the person you once fell in love with would say those things to you now.

You’re not strong enough yet and so it turns into a vicious circle that you can’t get out of, maybe not now and maybe not ever.

I just wanna know, is it really over?

What the fuck are we doing? I miss you so much.

I think about you when I read, on my way to work, on my way home from work, when I watch tv, when I eat, when I’m about to fall asleep and when I wake up…

I know that I leave all the time, walking away seems like the only power I have when things get beyond frustrating… you’re so much older, wiser, experienced and serious.. so what does that leave me with? the power to walk away, I guess.

I’m never going to take things as seriously, because I don’t worry about whats going to happen, I just wait till I get there. If that makes me childish then yeah.. I guess I’m childish! I don’t know if it’s ever going to change, I guess I just counted on you to take care of me and all the things that go with it.

I can also be selfish. I put myself before anyone else as a defence mechanism as not to get hurt, trying to protect myself. Although of late I seemed to realise it doesn’t really get you anywhere, or less hurt.

I really just wanted to be someone’s number one, your number one. That’s all that was ever really important.

I just wanna know, is it really over?