When does something stop being normal?

So here I am again. At that one same point.

I’ve gotten to this point where I don’t even know how to say things anymore and sometimes I wonder if I should even bother…

I think it’s pretty clear to see that I have a lot of problems and that I’m a roller coaster of emotions. But how did I get this way, did he make me like this? Have I always been like this? I don’t know. I’m sure a psychologist could tell me. Why aren’t I there yet? It’s embarrassing… expensive… I don’t know.

It’s not nice when people say that what you say isn’t normal or how you react isn’t normal. It’s even worse when the one who is saying it is your partner, one of the people who made me the way I am.

So who even decides what’s normal and what isn’t. Is there like a rule book or something I didn’t know about?

Thinking of you, always…

Today a year ago I lost you. Although I never got to meet you, I had loved you the minute I knew you were there.

In honor a todays day I will post the letter I wrote shortly after you were taken from us:

25/11/2013

Today I found out that I lost my baby, about two weeks ago… shortly after we saw it, and heard it’s tiny heart beat, 150 beats per minute. If it was a girl, which it probably would have been, her name would have been Sofia. I was supposed to be two months pregnant by now.
When I got the news I was at the doctors alone, it was meant to be a quick check up.. the doctor couldn’t find the baby, and when she eventually did, it hadn’t grown in 2 weeks and there was no heart beat. I felt absolutely destroyed and heartbroken, I can’t remember a time that I’ve ever cried like that… When I think about it more, now that I’ve gotten over the shock and all the crying, I thought about if she might have suffered, I hope she didn’t. Event hough she or he was so tiny 5,79 mm to be exact, I had already fallen deeply in love with her and the idea of her being born, holding her, her first bath, walking, talking, saying mama for the first time, going to the park, taking her for walks, spending all summer with her… her first boyfriend, being best friends, the talks, the cries, the advice I would have given her…
This tiny thing, barely a human being had completely invaded my life, in a good way, even though I was scared at first, she would have been beautiful, my little butterfly.
‘A’ didn’t take it well either, although he’s managed to stay stronger than me. But somehow I don’t think he has an idea of what I really feel like, I’ve cried so much I can’t even manage another tear, today has been the worst day of my life. I just want to cry and shout myself to sleep, I feel more than hurt, which he’ll never understand.

I feel sick, angry, my head hurts, my stomach hurts and I just want to curl up on the bathroom floor, if the floor weren’t so cold. I wish i could just go into a coma till this blows over, or die. I wish this day would have never happened, I’ve never felt worse in my life.
It’s 3:11 in the morning and I’m still afriad to sleep, I know the nightmares will be back, I don’t think I can handle more.

Rest in peace my little butterfly, I’ll be thinking of you, always…

Love, Mummy.

Vicious Circle

Every time you keep hoping and expecting that he’ll change, and you wait for the day to come. You wait and you wait.

Bu the day never comes.

They let you down and they put you down, and nothing ever changes. The person who you thought loved you most, is now your worst enemy. You let yourself get hurt, over and over and then you cry and hope that one day things will change, but you already know they won’t.

You stick around though, you keep coming back for more because you just hope that this time things will be different. Then you get hurt. Things get said, and he compares you to other girls your age and it’s the final straw. He thinks you’re mad because he did’t take you shopping but it’s not that at all. Over and over throughout the year you’ve been compared to other girls your age and how much better they do everything and how much mature they are but you know it’s not like that, you know you’re better. But you can’t get the words out your head, words that had been repeated so many times before and you start to believe them.

It pains you to think that the person you once fell in love with would say those things to you now.

You’re not strong enough yet and so it turns into a vicious circle that you can’t get out of, maybe not now and maybe not ever.

What do you even like about me?

You’re right, I don’t like anything about you…

• But, I love that cute, small, closed mouthed smile you give me when you’re just happy with the world, happy with me.
• I love how you think you can cook better than me, but you’d never admit it.
• I love the crazy little dances you do when you get really excited about something that only you would get excited about.
• I love how we can totally be ourselves around each other no matter how weird we might be at times.
• I love it when you give me advice, even though sometimes it sounds like a lecture. I know you’re just trying to help me.
• I love how you brag about me to your friends, makes it seem like you’re really proud of me, it makes me feel loved.
• I love that even when I’m wrong you sometimes let me be right (or at least let me think I am).
• I love it when you say that you don’t let me win games so I can learn something.
• I love how you have like 5 different laughs and that I know the meaning of each and every one of them.
• I love the way you squeeze my knee when we’re in the car, as a little reminder that you love me.
• I love how protective you are over me.
• I love that fact that you just know so much about everything.
• I love hearing stories about your past, imagining how the stories of our future will be.
• I love how you have the patience to put up with my insecurities and all my other flaws.
• I love how sweetly you kiss me and hold me in the morning while I’m still half asleep, just to say bye to me before you go to work.
• I love how you try to give me everything I want even when you can’t afford to.
• I love how much you care about everything that goes on with me, even when we’re mad at each other.
• I love how you have the same tastes as me in a lot of things.
• I love how you let me listen to all the songs on the new Katy Perry album in your car even though you don’t like her and that you bought me the concert tickets to go see her together anyway.
• I love how we both love reading together in bed at night.
• I love having you beside even if we aren’t actually doing anything together.
• I love that you love animals (even if sometimes a little too much).
• AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON!!

P.S You’re my double rainbow, how could I not love you.

I just wanna know, is it really over?

What the fuck are we doing? I miss you so much.

I think about you when I read, on my way to work, on my way home from work, when I watch tv, when I eat, when I’m about to fall asleep and when I wake up…

I know that I leave all the time, walking away seems like the only power I have when things get beyond frustrating… you’re so much older, wiser, experienced and serious.. so what does that leave me with? the power to walk away, I guess.

I’m never going to take things as seriously, because I don’t worry about whats going to happen, I just wait till I get there. If that makes me childish then yeah.. I guess I’m childish! I don’t know if it’s ever going to change, I guess I just counted on you to take care of me and all the things that go with it.

I can also be selfish. I put myself before anyone else as a defence mechanism as not to get hurt, trying to protect myself. Although of late I seemed to realise it doesn’t really get you anywhere, or less hurt.

I really just wanted to be someone’s number one, your number one. That’s all that was ever really important.

I just wanna know, is it really over?

My Yesterday..

So once again it was over, I packed my things for what seemed the millionth time now… Boxed some things up and pushed them out the door and threw back the books he bought, threw out a picture I gave him and along with it probably any hope whatsoever of fixing things the way we always knew we would.

Yet there were no apologies, no ‘please stay’ like I had heard too many times before. Those words that literally chain you to the ground, locks your feet together and throws away the key and completely and utterly prevents you from walking through that door that you’ve so many times before imagined doing.

But there was none of that.

Just painful hatred and unspoken thoughts, thoughts that would now probably never see daylight. So I dragged myself out the door and with it just a tenth of my stuff… With tears then in my eyes I pushed my plastic box in the lift and pressed 0. it was a long way down. As I had finally stumbled out the building I dropped some bags on the floor while crying my eyes out, and people started passing by.. I don’t remember the last time I felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

I climbed in the car, just drove around the corner and stopped. Tears just kept coming and coming and I couldn’t understand because I had thought that I wasn’t so upset about it. There was an old lady sitting on a bench across the street and I kinda just wished that she would have seen me and asked me if I was okay. Even the comfort of a stranger then would have been better than being alone. I cried and I cried.